In his latest blog post, Gilbert Arenas talks about how badly he has been wanting to play, and how he had the impression the team would clear him to play the other day. There was a lot of buildup for him, and he was very excited. 

He was so sure he would be in uniform that he didn't even dress in accordance with the dress code.

And then at the last minute he got the bad news that the doctor did not want him to play.

He believes it'll take him 15-20 games to get back in the rhythm -- he doesn't usually start seasons well -- so he was looking at the calendar, projecting the playoffs, and starting to panic a little.

Here he writes about what he did immediately after he found out he would not play:

At the end of the day, I had to go home anyway to pick up a collared shirt and a sports jacket. It's about a 35 minute drive each way. On the way home I was listening to music and I started to calm down thinking, "Let me hurry up and get back, they're thinking I'm going to be mad and stay home."

Which I was mad, but I really wanted to watch the game at the end of the day.

So I came on back and got there at the end of the first period and then I waited until the period was over and went out there on the bench at the beginning of the second period.

It was just me and my car ... speeding -- something that I shouldn't be doing.

Then I got that thought that I know everybody gets once in a while, I was like, "You know, what if I just ran my car into this pole right here?"

I don't know why I thought that, but I kept going with it.

"Then I can jump off the road into this lake and just swim ... or drown. Whichever one comes first."

It was really devastating. I was thinking, "Mannn, again?!"

But I listened to Young Jeezy's verse in "They Know" to get me past those bad thoughts ... plus, I'm sane. I'm a sane person, I wouldn't do that to myself.

I've been saying that I've been coming back all these days and it hasn't happened, so I might as well say I'm not coming back and they might clear me. I'm going to do a little reverse psychology on them. You know what I mean?

Me: "I ain't gonna come back, I don't know why we're working out."

Doctor: "You're cleared!"

Me: "Haha, gotcha!"

I keep thinking about those visions of suicide.

You know who's happiest Arenas didn't run his car off the road?

David Stern. I can see the "Commissioner's Deadly Dress Code" headlines now.