One of the charming things about Bill Parcells is that he's always been able to identify the parallels between football and the female menstrual cycle. That's why it's fitting that the man who famously issued the line, "Don't tell me about the pain, show me the baby" was at it again during his first news conference with the Dolphins on Thursday.
"I've quit being ashamed of what I am," Parcells said. "I think I'm a guy that likes football very much. I guess you call that maybe a male menopause, when you realize and you're no longer ashamed of what you are."
Most men I know who are ashamed of what they've become prefer softer phrases such as "insecurity" and "inadequacy," but Parcells has once again torn down the barriers between the sexes.
I loved reading the 17 different accounts of Parcells' 27-minute news conference in the Miami Herald this morning. Armando Salguero became the first - and perhaps the last - journalist to praise Bill for his subtlety.
"He spoke in a soft voice that cracked at times and faded to a mumble near the back of the Dolphins' cavernous team meeting room," Salguero wrote while listening to tracks from Yanni's 2003 album, Ethnicity. "He had trouble hearing some of the questions and patiently and politely asked that the inquiries be repeated."
You know a franchise has hit rock bottom when the new boss is being lauded for his polite response to soft-spoken South Florida reporters. In a strange but delightful twist, The Herald's Linda Robertson said it's gotten so bad that even an international art show couldn't lift the spirits of downtrodden Dolphins fans.
Parcells pulled off one of the great coups of the league's modern era by joining the Dolphins. He secured millions of dollars while making sure no one - especially owner Wayne Huizenga - will ever understand his job description.
"My job, I think, can be simply described as being charged with trying to put a structure in place that will allow the Dolphins to begin to restore a competitive team for the American Football Conference," Parcells said.
Based on those powerful words, the Dolphins' marketing department is toying with a "We don't rebuild, we restructure" marketing campaign for 2008.
At least one man who blogged from Thursday's news conference thinks it's curtains for GM Randy Mueller and head coach Cam Cameron. And I tend to agree.
Parcells could've come out and praised Cameron for his perseverence during a difficult season, but he simply alluded to conversations the two would have following Sunday's game.
Dave Hyde offers a sobering reminder of some other inspiring news conferences over the past decade in Miami. The bottom line is that Parcells will be long gone before this franchise even sniffs a playoff appearance.
The Dolphins are obviously looking for a quick fix with the Parcells hire. And for all I know, he may point them in the right direction.
Just don't think for a second that this man intends to stick around long enough to see the destination.
